Authentically Mine

I hate waking up with a sore throat. I was kind of ignoring the fact that I felt off kilter last night. I went to bed a bit early and was hoping to sleep off whatever was making me feel out of wack but woke up with a full-fledged sore throat. No white spots though so that's good. Adam was sick last week so it isn't entirely surprise to me that I am feeling under the weather. At least I know he felt better within a few days after it cycled from scratchy throat, to stuffy nose, to cough and then wa-la gone.

Things have been a little slow for me at work right now, they will pick up again soon, they always do. Still, I did not want to call in sick so here I am. Two meetings on the calendar for this afternoon. I just hope the day goes by quickly.

I have seen the initial design (the banner) for the new Smoochdog and I LOVE IT. Heather really does such an amazing job! I can't wait to launch the new and improved Smoochdog. I will keep you all posted. What I have not decided yet is if I want to port over the blog entries from here to the new Smoochdog. I would do it manually and I would only transport over the important entries (skipping the memes and silly posts). There are not that many posts here so I just might do it a little at a time over a month or so.

I have been holding off on taking the insulin for a few days – I could not bear dealing with a low – even now feeling better I am not looking forward to going back on it tomorrow. The numbers 1 unit of insulin for every 15 carbs just does not work consistently for me. The thing is no single number does work consistently so it is frustrating to me. I spoke with Dr. Endocrinologist today and she said that (before I stopped for a few days) my blood sugar numbers looked good, but that some of my fasting numbers 104 – 107 range were a little high and she might want to put me on a little insulin at night to bring them down to under 90.  I worry so much about going too low at night and would much prefer NOT to go on insulin at night, so I want to try and bring those numbers down but I also hate feeling like I am emaciated from losing so much weight and tired of feeling hungry...so we will see how I can balance it out over the next week to eat more and take more insulin during the day to accommodate for the more food and also not be above 90 at fasting….hmmm.

The weight thing is really bothering me. My size 4 pants are too big! A size 2 at The Gap Outlet fit me snugly. Something about even getting close to a size 2 makes me uncomfortable. I know some women would die for it but I don’t like how thin I am.

I want to get pregnant don’t get me wrong and I am going to all that I can to be trying and to be as healthy as I possibly can but I am also scared about the what if’s of diabetes and the possibility of increased risks. I know I have to believe that everything will work out as it should. I know that all I can do it take the best care possible of me. But still it is scary and I wonder if I am strong enough. I guess am just feeling a little scared by the possibility of the risks by all the stuff I can’t control.

I know the answer to help calm my fears but knowing the answer and embodying it and living it are different things. The former is easier than the latter for me. Faith. I need to reclaim my body – readjust to insulin and remember to have faith in whatever powers or being out there that is larger than me. Faith that the world will work out as it should for me. Faith. Maybe if I chant it enough I can ingrain it in me and it will become easier to live it.

Because I know the 4 people that read my blog care....I am going to bed tonight feeling much better than when I woke up this morning. Here's to the passing of time and here's to (hopefully) feeling a little better each day.

Sweet dreams.

If yesterday was hard last night and this morning were impossible. I couldn't sleep even with my friend Tylenol PM and I woke up from not sleeping (huh?) with a mind numbing crushing no holds barred headache. Adam being so sweet did everything possible to help me feel better. I know he feels so helpless and wants to do whatever he can to help me through this - the sad part is nothing but time can help. Time and a big ole cup of coffee apparently.

After trying several different things over the last few days to get rid of my headache. I finally sent Adam out for a cup of coffee. I know I can't drink it when I am pregnant but right now I am not pregnant and I had a rock star headache.

1 medium caffee latte worked wonders. My headache was gone. I still feel as if I am walking around in a surreal "floaty" state and I still have the little "zaps" that I feel but the headache is gone and for that I am so grateful.

I have had to stop worring about gettign the insulin right for now. As long as my blood sugar numbers are OK I am not worrying about them being in pregnancy range right now - again I am not pregnant yet. While I know how important it is to manage with insulin, right now I need to focus on getting myself feeling better then I can focus on straightening out using insulin again.

I have been keeping to myself the last week or so. Coming off this damn medication is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's no joke and nothing but the passing of time is going to help. I am making myself get out of the house every day and do something. Anything. Today even though I called it a week at work and took a sick day I managed to get out for a few hours and ended up with three pairs of spring shoes. It was the hardest shopping expedition I have been on in awhile.

I am now completely off of the Klonopin and Trazadone and have done it the "right" way, slowly tapering off of it with my doctor knowing about it. Whether or not we end up having a baby I want to be off of these meds. Being completely off of them feels great psychologically even if right now I feel terrible physically. I know it is just my body adjusting but man the headache the chills, all of it, yikes...It makes me a little mad at my doctor for not informing me more. I mean I had been an educated patient and I have read about the symptoms of coming off the medication but reading about it and really understanding it? A world of difference.

A few people have asked me why I don't call my doctor and tell her how much I have been struggling. Well, because I know she will try and prescribe me a medication (probably neurontin) to help me with some of the side effects of coming off of the klonopin and even if it will help I am feeling strongly right now that I do not want to put another pill in my body. As bad as I feel from the side effects of coming off of the klonopin I don't feel the anxiety (the reason I went on it). Basically I just want to get medication OUT of my system and nothing can help with that except time.

It is just baffling to me how it helped me so much but yet can be so "bad" in that it is so very hard to come off of. I am doing it but I never imagine I would feel so much and retreat so much. I guess it is just my body telling me to do what it needs to do which is rest and pamper myself a bit right now.