Authentically Mine

~this post was written for Writer's Island. Go on over and check out the natives!

After many long years I am rising above my biggest fear of all. The fear of failure. I have had smaller fears along the path of my life, I think we all have but until about 2 years ago when I started thinking about having children my fears were always only about me, and somehow that lessened them tremendously. I have a lot of little fears on a daily basis, these I term more as “worrries.” “Will I be able to successfully present on the topic my boss asked me to?” “Can I be the best person I can be today?” and things along those levels.

Fear though is different. It can be paralyzing but I have not let it until the big decision of children came up. Sure I had fear about going away to college. Fleeting fears about marriage and it’s permanency. I shook these fears off, took life by the horns and never looked back on the fear. I just did what had to be done.

Then when we started – about 2 years ago – to talk about having kids – fear ran over me like a train. I had no idea this was what was happening at the time, but hindsight is 20/20. Instead of admitting I wanted this but was scared to death about 100 different things, I made excuses, reasons for it to be a better choice for us not to try. “I couldn’t handle it if something went wrong,” “What if we can’t?” “We just can’t afford it, “ What if I suck as a mother.” All of these fears and others led me to literally convince myself that being child free was the right choice.

Then at some point in the not too distant past, I realized it was all fear talking. I was reading a book at the time titled The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by a Buddhist nun Pema Chodron and as I turned page after page I was seeing my own fears rise to the surface and realize that fear, while often a protective guard, can also be extremely paralyzing and is most often driven by the ego of ourselves.

Shortly after reading some of that book I came across some blog entries of a mom and dad who just had their second child and something about the father’s post and perspective kicked me in the gut and I realized that my fears were coming out in the form of excuses and they had to go. I had to find a way to manage them. I started going to Church, no because I necessarily believe in organized religion but because I believe in a power bigger than me. I started meditating for serenity. And I started taking all the steps I need to get ready to try and have a baby.

I know that I have risk factors. I know I will have to monitor my depression but most of all, if it is decided that if it all works out as the world intends it to that I can manage these things. I can rise above my fears and I can do this…why? Most of all because I want to. Also I have a great support system of family and friends, but that is secondary. Primary is that I have overcome my fear of failing at every turn and the realization of that alone has been a very powerful learning experience for me.